Asking Eric: Casket photo creates rift in family

Dear Eric Several years ago my mother-in-law passed away due to dementia During the time of her illness my husband and I took care of everything including selling her house auctioning off her estate dealing with her boyfriend who could never admit she had dementia and dealing with the COVID restrictions for visiting her Of note my brother-in-law lives in the upper Midwest we and his mother live in Florida The burden was put on us not him On the day of her viewing it was only my husband and me I took pictures of her lying peacefully in her casket and forwarded them on to my brother-in-law I got a scathing email from my brother-in-law saying that he had specifically questioned not to send pictures of her dead He only required to remember her healthy how convenient To be honest with you I didn t remember that conversation as I was too stressed out from the whole ordeal I feel guilty for sending the pictures but not really sorry for doing it because they ultimately had to deal with her passing firsthand They did not have to live the ordeal like we did I felt like the pictures were something I needed to share Should I feel guilty for sending them because I still do Photo Regret Dear Photo Guilt is not a very useful emotion It s good information sometimes but what matters is what we do about the guilt internally and externally I know that the complicated process of settling your mother-in-law s affairs particularly during COVID lockdown was hard for you But you ve got to acknowledge that what your brother-in-law is dealing with including his own denial about his mother s illness is hard too There s no hierarchy of suffering You can start to alleviate a few of that suffering yours and theirs by reaching out apologizing and trying to make amends In the grand scheme you owe each other apologies They didn t show up for your mother-in-law in the techniques that would have been helpful and that s not fair But you don t get to dictate how your brother-in-law remembers his mother or how he processes his grief Your actions as you ve described them weren t malicious but it s significant to acknowledge their impact Dear Eric I m friends with a pair of sisters but closer with one than the other In recent times I invited them to a weekend getaway where we were to be treated to a private chef s dinner Less Close Sister instantly declared that she s avoiding gluten which obviously complicated our menu On the drive up she recounted her cheat night with plenty of gluten the evening before and happily consumed a gluten-containing lunch I know there s no right way to say your dietary necessities seem to only pop up when you can be an inconvenience pain in the butt but I m really soured on traveling with her again although I like her Suggestions Gluten-tolerant Dear Gluten-tolerant The easiest remedy is just not to have a private chef s dinner or to let the chef figure out what to cook to meet everyone s dietary demands Isn t that the chef s job anyway It s quite a leap to go from putting together a private dinner to swearing off traveling with this person again Sometimes when our opinions about people change any little thing they do can become a point of annoyance I wonder if that might be happening here Something to consider Related Articles Asking Eric Fellow girl scout parent won t stop complaining Asking Eric Friend annoyed about taking in evacuating friends during LA fires Asking Eric Husband objects to wife s work dinners with male colleagues Asking Eric Father s questions keep offending adult daughter Asking Eric Wife s comments to son-in-law bother husband Dear Eric Carpooling wants to be reimbursed for gas for a -mile round-trip journey to pick up a friend s disabled son from the bus stop The request from the dear friend doesn t happen very often My two cents are this Losing or even offending a dear friend isn t worth any price let alone the price of a inadequate gallons of gas or less True friends grant favor requests when manageable and usually without expecting anything in return If it becomes a regular request then definitely broach the subject but a rare request is truly a favor and granting favors has a way of coming back to you Instead Carpooling could think of this favor as a meal she might take to her friend if she were sick and would likely spend more than in that circumstance Dear Friends are Priceless Dear Priceless Ten dollars is not the same everywhere nor is it the same to every budget The letter writer isn t just complaining the letter states that the frequency of the requests combined with the amount created a financial hardship It s critical to remember that everyone s finances are different and one person s easy favor is another person s stretch The pricelessness of dear friends goes both avenues if I had a dear friend whose load I could lighten by covering the price of gas I d leap at the opportunity to do so Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com