Asking Eric: Parents’ house has become free hotel for friends

Dear Eric I live in a small town about five hours from my parents who live in the biggest city in our state They have a beautiful home with a great downstairs room that is perfect to stay in when I visit My father has Parkinson s so I make it up close to every month to hang out and try to make life for my mom a little easier Sometimes I ll go up with a friend for a concert and my parents welcome that person or persons with open arms cooking meals and letting us use their house But lately particular of my friends who have joined me on these trips have now become buddies with my mom and are asking her if they can stay up there without me Now the first time this happened the friend called me and required if I was OK with him asking but the second time it was a different friend wanting to stay there with his girlfriend and he never questioned me For selected reason it feels like being taken advantage of and I let him know that I wasn t calm with the situation and felt like there demands to be boundaries In the aftermath they treat me like I m the bad guy because my mom was OK with them staying so they blame me for making it weird Am I in the wrong here and should I just let my mom deal with it or is it good to set various boundaries Full House Dear House Boundaries are great and boundaries are internal they re guardrails that we set for ourselves regarding what we will and won t accept or do Other people don t have to follow our boundaries however When they don t there can be consequences but boundaries aren t edicts So it s good that you expressed the way you felt otherwise you d be stewing And honestly I don t think it s totally unreasonable to ask your friends to check in with you before crashing with your parents even if it s just a heads-up But we can t force other people to behave in the tactics that we want If your parents don t feel taken advantage of then it s best to let them play host when they so desire trusting that if it was an inconvenience they d say no There s no bad guy here Weirdness happens weird feelings happen I wish your friends had been able to see your point-of-view and talk it out But it s not too late to circle back with them and reset Dear Eric This is in reference to Caring Friend As a physician I disagree with your advice to the writer with a friend experiencing intermittent blindness who will not get clinical care because they experience claustrophobia in MRIs Either way this will not end well for the writer If the friend dies the writer will feel long-lasting guilt for not pushing harder If the friend suffers further damage the writer will be blamed for not being a stronger friend The writer necessities to send the friend a note or better yet an email so that there is a record saying that they will no longer be in contact unless the friend sees a physician Physicians face this type of dilemma every day Patients don t take our advice yet blame us for the consequences We are used to this though still affected by it but at least we have detailed records to aid our advice Reader Dear Reader If the letter writer severs the relationship with their friend who is clearly experiencing particular anatomical trauma and anxiety and the friend dies or gets worse having a written record of their separation is going to be a cold comfort There are other solutions both healthcare and personal Dear Eric I am an anesthesiologist in Boston While not the point of the letter from Caring Friend I needed to let the writer know that MRIs can be done with sedation for patients with indications i e claustrophobia pain causing an inability to lay still or flat delirium dementia et cetera I did one in the current era with sedation It is definitely more common at bigger institutions but should be an option at almost any hospital that has an MRI machine and an anesthesiologist They may not want the MRI for fear of the finding or particular other reason as opposed to the claustrophobia but this option does exist Related Articles Asking Eric Brothers spar over -year-old loan Asking Eric After job loss comes shame and meddlesome advice Asking Eric Son s family treats parents house like a storage unit Asking Eric Husband has extreme reaction to wife s affection Asking Eric Stepdaughter suddenly turns on stepmother Best of luck to this person Another Option Dear Another Option Thanks for writing Several readers responded to this letter with stories of their positive experiences with open MRIs as was suggested in the column or sedation as you ve recommended here I hope the letter writer will feel empowered to help the friend explore other avenues for healthcare care as they seek answers to their troubling features Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com